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June 2007

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okay, so im totally freaking out..

lemme start from the beginning.

last night, went to the band meeting, got me super siked. idk why. went to trd, then kj's. played manhunt. slept over kristens, it was really fun. we stayed up tilll like 3 watching old feild shows and talking about everythingg.. it was good. then woke up and went t o the parade. came home. went out with my freinds from eight grade to see pirates of the carribean 3, it was really goood.

those girls from eigth grade, i forgot how close i am with them. liike we all havent chilled since like christmas, but we just fell back into place, like no time passed. i love it.

okay. but im freaking out so..

we went to this "party" it was at the beach, kind of celebrating matt's death, like a year. and i was fine, i wasnt sad. this is what matt would want to look down from heaven and see. i konw that is totally true. but i still was kinda iffy about the hole party. i mean celebrating his death? but it is good because we were all together, and bes t of all, luke and nick werent alone.

so we lefta nd went to relay for life at brick, where cara is.

i broke down.

now, i dont cry. ever. seriously. like its a big deal for me to cry. cara was like AH morg, this is like the 3rd time ive seen you cry without being hurt. so like come august when im saying goodbye to phil and kristen, i honestly dont know if i will cry.

but like i started cryingg. like hysterical. it just hit me today, a year after he died, that he is never coming back. ever. we went to the cemetery and it was like a slap in the face. thinking "omg, ill never hear his voice again" ever. its so hard, bc. ive allways been cool about it.

even today at band, i acted totally normal, besides being tired. but inside, i was freaking out. i kept thinking, im here having so much fun with my freinds, and hes dead. hes dead. he didnt beat luekemia. he died. he lost the fight. i keep repeating it over and over. bc i am just now realizing omg, hes gone forever.

so now my parents are in bed and im cryinga gain. and i want to talk to someone but theres noone. cara is with her freinds at relay,gabby already tried to help, but i dont need sympathy and its okay, i just need sopmeone to listen. dont get me wrong, i love her. i wanted to maybe talk to phil, but he's not online. omg. i hate thisss.

ii cant talk t o my family. its weird. i hate crying in front of them. i hateeee it. i have this idea that in my head, i have to always be strong and never cry. tears= weakness. weakkness= bad.

i was thinking about i m ing deanna, but i dont wanna bother her. and i know this is mean, but i would care if i kept phil up all night bc idk i just wouldnt. i am comfortable with him telling him stuff, but hes not online. i wouldda talked to mike but he isnt online either.

i am a wreck. i have never ever been like this. i dont cry. im morgan. it doesnt happen. im ALWAYS happy. rmemeber? god. im the one who always smiles, not cries. what is wrong with mee.

i cant belieeve hes been gone a whole year. im here on earth enjoying my life and freinds and everything, and hes dead. gone. his brothers have to deal with him dying. thats a heavy burden for young kids. why am i suddenly so distraught?

if you read that all... well.. your dumb.


Listen kid,i've been through this same situation that you are going through. If you need to talk you dont have to wait for me to come online,just give me a call and i'll talk to you or if you want me to come pick you up its fine, you just gotta let me know. feel better,pal.Oh, and dont be ashamed to cry,its no big deal.
You could have called me. Don't hesitate to call friends, thats what they are there for.